January's Goal - limit grocery shopping

Our cupboards are bursting open. Our upright freezer is full of delicious things. Whenever we go to the grocery store, we buy more. Not because I forgot that we didn't have ground beef already but instead I buy it because it's on sale for a good price (the same price it goes to once a month at least). That's not too bad of a motivation for buying something you already have. I feel like it's pretty good stewardship of my money. I hate paying full price for things. 

Worse is when we decide to buy more than we need because we get more loyalty points. "Hey honey we NEED to spend 150 dollars at the store and buy 4 boxes of cereal because POINTS!!!"  Maybe not quite good stewardship. But we can get free flights or other stuff. FREE!!  I love free. Still it is buying into the whole consumeristic foundation of our society. And our freezer has gotten full. 

So I approached my husband and suggested limiting our spending this month. Maybe even make a list of the few items we would allow ourselves to buy and commit to it: milk, stuff for the baby, bananas, peppers, cucumbers, tomatoes, yogurt, food we actually run out of.  Maybe even have a buy nothing other than groceries month.  Commit to living out of our abundance. Commit to this tiny sacrifice. Commit to escaping some of our rampant consumerism.   He said, "I'll try."  So we don't have a list. We are just going by our guts.

So a few days into the month, our hot water tank started leaking so instead of no purchases we started with a big purchase, paying a plumber etc.  Definitely ruined the buy nothing vibe and yet it did help me appreciate all of our blessings. Because not only did our hot water tank start leaking but all of the shut off valves to our house and the tank were corroded and could not be turned off. The town had to do a shut off at the street. So not only was I without hot water coming out of my taps for a few days, I was without water of any sort coming out of my taps for a few days. We are so blessed to have clean, running water to flush toilets, clean toddlers, wash hands, shower, clean cupboards, wash floors. The list goes on and on.  This big purchase helped me appreciate the abundance that I live in.

This goal has changed some of my cooking habits.  I have become more conscious about using what I have. Substituting recipes that looked yummy with unique ingredients for recipes that used ingredients already present in the house. This included making muffins to give away, pulled pork for a potluck, dessert for going to a friends house, granola to use and give. These would normally be situations where I would run to the store (okay, full disclosure, I did pick up some corn tortillas for the potluck), but I made a conscious decision to stand my ground - use what I have and to give from the abundance that I have already. 

To give from my abundance. I have so much.  And when I finally realize just how much I gave: how much love, how much time, how much wealth, how many ideas, how many thoughts, how much grace. When I finally recognize my abundant life then I can more freely give.  

Things purchased so far: *definitely for me - as far as I can remember

Hot water tank and all its fixings*

Cucumber*

Tomato x2*

Pepper*

Yogurt x3 some for me. Some for S*

Milk (x6 jugs already this month. Some us for me)

Canned soup

Crackers

Tortillas*

Sour cream*

Peas

iPad case (for my husband)

Juice*

McDonald's coffee (I'm weak what can I say)*

Tomato juice

Als carrots *. Hubbies bought. I approve. Expensive. Local. Only out at a certain time. Delicious. 

Bananas x2

School treats* x 3 so far. But hey I'm supporting our school canteen. Raising funds. 

School hair appointment* supporting school credits

An iPhone 6s *. Hoping you will miss that asterisk. We are trying to consolidate our bills and save money. There is reason to our madness so let's buy a new phone and get 10 bucks off our bill per month so In about a year we will finally break even.  But why change providers and NOT take advantage of getting a new phone. I will need one eventually anyways. Because a old computer, a new iPad and a slightly out of date phone just isn't enough.  I mean my battery only lasts a day and it's a little slower than it should be. And we are only paying just over a hundred dollars and it's not like there is any environmental impact or social justice issues surrounding apple products. Its a totally benign purchase. Right? Right?  O how we buy INTO and justify our consumerism 

Oh and then there was the food we bought in Edmonton but we have to eat. 

Oh and there was coffee that day too but one must stay awake. 

Oh and tickets to the banquet next week but again school. 

Oh and we bought take our one night. Wonton soup and rice but that was when we had no running water so did I really want to cook. So difficult (I mean most of the world does it)

Book #4 Boundaries - Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John TownsendHow

This book is a classic in Christian literature and in sociology as well. I feel like I have done some of the work requested in this book through other books and courses and life in general but I still have a long way to go in establishing boundaries. I am able to say no but sometimes I have trouble respecting other people's nos. I want to control.  I want to change people. I want "other-control".

I still have lots of questions though and I think that some of these questions show some of the work that I still need to do in establishing healthy boundaries.  So often reading this book I would see boundary work that others needed to do but had difficulty seeing my own lack of or impermeable boundaries.

• How can I allow others into my boundaries?  How can I build community?  Be vulnerable?  Show my mess but not expect others to clean it up for me?
• How can I change my motivation for boundaries?  Sometimes I use them to control and manipulate others rather than to establish my health and who I am?  As a result, my boundary setting appears petty, it appears like disciplining a child.
• How do I establish and maintain boundaries in my marriage?  I find this aspect so difficult to do without seeming like I am treating my spouse like a child.
• How do I establish and maintain boundaries with someone who has poor personal boundaries and little motivation for self improvement?
• How do I establish and maintain boundaries in the classroom?  Now that would be an interesting book - boundaries for teachers.

One thing I really appreciate about this book is that it is salt.  It applies the gospel, our relationship with Christ, the character of God and shows how it is relevant to every life.  It shows how the gospel transforms lives now.  It is a book for everyone.  So many people, authors have seemed to take these concepts and applied them in the secular world but the application seems empty.  It is missing something vital - the character of God, the redemption of our relationships, the body of believers, adoption into Gods family.  The list goes on.

It's Christmas

So this year I decided to do some readings for advent. I bought one book and then found a free download from a John Piper so I have ended up having two advent readings on the go instead. And I read them like I read everything right now: words on the page that go right through me.  They don't stick. They don't make an impact. I read them and then move on to the next thing. Usually Facebook or another internet time waster.

The Christmas story is just so familiar to me. The carols are so familiar. Yeah God made flesh. Hail the incarnate deity. Yes foretold before time. Yes I know. Whoopie and all that.

So in the Piper reading today, this is what I read . . .

something must be done to help us once more feel the awe, the fear, the astonishment, the wonder of the Son of God, begotten by the Father from all eternity, reflecting all the glory of God, being the very image of his person, through whom all things were created, upholding the universe by the word of his power.

For once I paused and let that wash over me. I sent up a quick prayer that I would feel that amazement of God becoming man. God as a baby. The one who created the world stepping into creation. And the words came to me.  "He stepped into our mess."

HE STEPPED INTO OUR MESS. He left a perfect relationship with the father. He left a world untainted by sin. He left adoration. He left it all and stepped into our messy, messy world. A world where his people were conquered and downtrodden by corrupt leaders. He, the perfect leader, had to submit to jealous leaders. He was born into the mess of a stable, the mess of illegitimacy, the mess of refugee status, the mess of disease, the mess of being misunderstood.

HE STEPPED INTO OUR MESS. But not to simply walk through it with us but to transform it.  He wants to bring peace to the nations, peace to families, hope to the oppressed and downtrodden, legitimacy to the outsider, blessings to the poor, life to the dead and dying.

HE STEPPED INTO OUR MESS. And continues to do it over and over. So I stopped and brought up some messy situations to Him. Step in Lord and work your transformation. 

I want to detail my mess here but it is a shared mess and there is an off chance that some people will see that I have restarted blogging and know of whom I am talking.  If it was just my mess, I would be more free with my words but the thing with messes, is they are hard to keep private. They spill over, affect others.

And yet I do have a private mess that needs transformation. A mess of bitterness and resentment that life hasn't quite turned out the way I want. A mess of thoughts and ideas made from flitting from one thing to another rather than focusing on deeper content. A mess of worldliness rather than godliness. A mess of jealousy. A mess of loneliness. A mess of distance from God. I don't want to look at nmy mess.  I don't want to sweep out the cobwebs of my soul. I would rather turn a blind eye. But God...He wants to STEP RIGHT IN. His presence alone starts the transformation

"Come into my heart Lord Jesus.  There is room in my heart for thee."

Book #3-Accidental Saints by Nadia Bolz-Weber

This book was an accidental find. I had posted on Facebook my goal of reading 40 books for my 40th year in order to gather some suggestions (which rolled in by the way. So much to read so little time.) In the meantime, I decided to go to my Overdrive App and choose an available one from the library. This popped up and I was like - "hmmm Finding God in All the Wrong People. Sounds intriguing. Sounds what I am looking for."

And boy was it ever what I needed as a follow up to the last book I read. This one too talked about addressing the garbage in our lives, being real, falling on our face. But in this book it is Christ that picks us up. It is Christ that gives us value. It is his community, broken as it is, that holds us together. This book had the hope that the last book didn't. It told me, "It doesn't matter if you are doing your best. God wants to use you ANYWAYS!!  Honestly it doesn't matter what you do but rather how you allow God and others in."  There is grace. There is redemption that is above us. We can give away our mess instead of muddle through it.

This is the type of book that I want to reread. This is the type of book that if I saw it, I would want to buy it because I already fell in love with it.

Lord take my mess. Help me to remember I don't have to own it. I don't have to redeem it. You do not expect perfection from me in order to use me. You do not need me to know all the answers but rather to continually search out the author of truth.

Book #2 - Rising Strong by Brene Brown

I had seen a lot of posts about/from this author online and heard some talk by friends and the book was available through my library app so I thought - why not give this a try.  I don't really want this to just turn into a book review. If it sounds like a simple book review than the book didn't resonate with me in the way that I wanted it to.  I guess part of it was I felt like I jumped into a process midway through the process. The author herself said it was almost the third book in a series - that her other books came first. I really wanted to read this book, journal open, pencil in hand, quotes ready to go. This is difficult to do when you are reading in the dark, breastfeeding a toddler to sleep.  I think with written reflection, this book would have had more meaning for me. As it was I couldn't get over some contrived phrases and words. It's too bad because there were definitely some things that resonated with me, some attitudes that I recognized. The book did act like a mirror at times, reflecting myself and I didn't really like what I saw. 

The ideas that resonated with me, that I had to chew on and am still chewing on is her rumble with the idea that people are doing the best that they can. She had difficulty with this idea. She did a poll of friends and strangers and found something strange.  Those who said no had perfectionist streaks. They were as hard on themselves as others.  Those that answered yes were people she considered wholehearted: people who valued their own worth, who were willing to be vulnerable. I might view them as people of grace - those people who I have always admired. 

I too have trouble with this concept. I am so performance based. I can be so hard on myself and that extends to others - especially those closest to me.  What if I embraced this philosophy though?  What if I looked at what others were doing right rather than what they were doing wrong?  What if I gave myself grace to be weak, to make mistakes and share those mistakes rather than hide them?  What if I focused on and developed my strengths rather than trying to work out of my weakness?  What if I could get rid of shame?  What if ....?  Would I be less stressed?  Less bitter?  Less angry?  Would I be more joyful?  More loving?  More kind?  

The poem at the end resonated with me and gave me courage to speak up this week. If I don't like how something is going, don't hide it.  Try to change it. Address it. So in small group I showed vulnerability. I talked a bit about Justin's struggles with depression and my struggle with bitterness and anger. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to pretend. 

"When we deny our stories, they define us.

When we run from struggle, we are never free

So we turn towards truth and look it in the eye"

I guess over all I felt this book to be empty, flighty, rootless. Everything was about what we could do and nothing about what God does on our behalf. When I fall down, flat face in the arena, he can help pick me up and brush me off. He gives me the strength to do that. He can help me look deep into my emotions and pain.   He writes my story. He is the truth. He can help me face what is truly going on. I don't want to hide anymore. 

My closet as a metaphor

So after reading Seven by Jen Hatmaker, I was inspired to do a bit of a closet makeover.  I asked my hubby whether I should try to keep just 40 articles of clothing or get rid of 40 articles of clothing. He suggested to start with getting rid of 40 articles of clothing, so on Saturday, I had some time and set out to do the cull.

The result?

I didn't make a dent in my pile of clothing. My closet is still packed. I still have 9 dresses, 2 grubby Tshirts, 2 grubby pants, a passel of scarves and the list goes on and on.  More stuff than I could ever need. This  cull did  not involve sacrifice. In fact most of the items removed from my closet are more suited to the rag bag than the thrift store. It was more getting rid of the weak and decrepit. Still necessary. Oh boy was it necessary but not quite the life lesson I thought it would be.

Instead it might have been the life lesson I needed. I found myself debating which raggedy tshirts I wanted to keep vs wanted to put in the rag bag. I debated keeping a pair of ripped up, holey jeans.  I had items that didn't fit, were in disrepair or just looked hideous and I hated getting rid of them. This is so true in life too. I hang on. I hang on to memories when the reality isn't the same.  I hang on to relationships that are tattered and torn and frayed. I maintain a view of myself that isn't  true anymore. I try to fulfill roles that I have outgrown, moved past. I have sin, habits, routine that fill space but drag me down. I look at them every once in awhile and ponder what I should do with them, and then stuff them back into the closet. They don't repair themselves there. They continue to deteriorate, collect dust. I need to make  a decision to either discard the things that take up space or repair them, update them so they fit the times that I am in.

My closet is still full of faded and tattered clothes. I would love to update it (if I had unlimited resources). But until I clean out more items, adding more and better items just contributes to the clutter.  The new and beautiful will be overshadowed by the used up and threadbare. I need to purge the things that have served their usefulness in order to fill it with items that can be used.

This is my desire this year with my life. What habits have served their usefulness?  What traits are a little worn and threadbare?  What thoughts and voices are providing clutter rather than beauty and clarity?  Help me to get rid of these things so that I can fill my life with the perfect.

As far as this challenge goes, I achieved it but I think that it will be a repeat challenge. There is still more to purge and get rid of. 

Book 1 - Seven by Jen Hatmaker

So one of the challenges that I want to do as I transition to 40 is read 40 books. Books that will challenge me, form my worldview.  Some of the books can be rereads but I want most of them to be new.  The one that I read most recently is Seven by Jen Hatmaker.  In this book the author gives up, simplifies drastically seven things in her life over approximately seven months.  These were drastic fasts: seven foods for a month, seven articles of clothing for a month, a month of no media, a month of remembering the Sabbath and other spiritual disciplines, a month of only seven stores, amounts of environmental care.  She trimmed the excess of life, lived radically so that she could make room for God to move.  She took out the weeds, started tilling the soil and waited for the best of God's plan to come.

I had been thinking of commemorating my 40th with some challenges and this book confirmed that I should at least try. There is so much excess in my life. In my 20s I was living a somewhat radical life - serving in the middle of nowhere as a teacher, stepping out in faith that what I did made a difference.  Then in my early 30s, I was burnt out, embittered, jaded and moved to civilization to heal.  I gave up some of my passion, started pursuing other things, thinking that my time of normality was a phase.  But now I seem stuck in this phase.  I no longer live and act radically.  I am more interested in protecting my own than stepping out in faith.  The matter has become more complicated as I am now married, have a child, have more to protect, have someone that needs to agree with any crazy scheme I might think of.  It is more difficult to step out in faith now when I have pledged to not walk alone through this life any more, when I have yoked myself with someone else.  (I am not dissing my husband here but stating the reality of marriage)

Forty is a good time to reevaluate.  After all it has significance in scripture as a time of testing and trial that in the end resulted in some pretty good things.  For example Noah spent 40 days and 40 nights on the ark and gave birth to, well all human kind, all nations.  The Isrealites spent 40 years wandering in the desert, as part of a refining process due to their disobedience and lack of faith, and gave birth to a nation.  Jesus spent 40 days in the wilderness before stepping into ministry and gave birth to a revolution.  All of these times of testing resulted in changes that reverberate through history even to today's times.

So what will my 40th bring.  What kind of passion can be birthed into my soul spirit?  What kind of action can I take that will have eternal consequences?  What type of things can I give up so that I can make more room for Jesus's work?  Let the adventure begin.

The Big 40

So this year, in July, I turn the BIG 40. I am not sure exactly how this has come to pass. Even stranger, how at 40, I have a husband of 3 years and a clingy one year old. This is not how I envisioned my life.

But I have been contemplating 40 lately and contemplating things that I could do over the next year and a half to commemorate my 40th birthday. So the resurgence of this blog is for me as I celebrate, reevaluate and prepare for this next decade of my life. I want to make it a worthwhile decade. A decade dedicated to Christ, to my new family, to others.  Frankly I feel I have so much to dedicate my energy to that I feel spread thin and ineffective in most areas of my life. So I want to learn to say no to the good so that I can say yes to the best.

I am contemplating trying to do 40 challenges. Not sure how I am going to squeeze these in to an already spread thin life.  But maybe by challenging myself to new things, stretching my faith, questioning my values, I will learn something about myself, my faith and my world. I want to challenge myself to put faith into action, to live out my stated values, to live an uncompromising life with grace and love.

So here's to the last half of 39. Here is to another decade. Here's to the grand adventure that is life.

Obedience

I have been thinking a lot about obedience lately.  I am surrounded by many a good person, who wants good things and does good things.  Sometimes, I find it is secular people who most look out for their fellow man.  So I was contemplating the questions, "Why am I obedient to Christ's laws?  What makes my obedience different?"

I grew up in a church where much of my obedience stemmed from fear.  As I stated to a friend this weekend, it was fear of both my heavenly and earthly father.  I knew that both loved me and yet I did not want to disappoint so I obeyed.  I wanted people to see me as as righteous and good.  I wanted God to see me as righteous and good. So I stayed away from bad things and tried to do the good, in order to earn acceptance and to appear perfect.

As I matured in my faith I realized that with Jesus it is no longer about me.  It is not my sacrifices that make me right.  It is not my offerings of goodness and pseudorighteousness but His offering of true righteousness.  I no longer need to strive for perfection because I am already made perfect through Christ.  It is not my action's but Christ's that enable me to be accepted and that make me holy.  HE DID IT ALL!!

And yet I still follow the law and disciplines (albeit imperfectly).  I don't follow to make myself righteous.  I follow because I already am righteous.  I don't follow to earn God's favour; I follow to show that I favour God.  I follow, I am disciplined, I sacrifice to remind myself of all that Christ gave up for me, all that he sacrificed to make me holy.  I don't follow rules as an act of desperation but as an act of worship, an act of love for the one that loved me first.

This reminds me of Will and Kate - the duke and duchess of Cambridge.  Before they were married, kate was a commoner.  She had very few rules and protocols to follow.  No amount of curtsying or genuflecting would have made her part of the royal family.  Will fell in love with Kate and made her part of the royal family, gave her a new status of princess and duchess.  Now Kate has rules and protocols to follow to show that she is part of that family.  Even if she slips up and doesn't curtsy at the appropriate time, she is still family.

Likewise, I can do NOTHING to earn God's favour.  But He has decided to make me a part of His family, make me royalty because he loves me.  Now I follow rules and protocols to show myself and those around me that I belong to God.  And none of my slip ups will ever change that.

Retrospective

A few weeks ago, I sat down and read all my previous blog entries.  I laughed a lot at some of the memories but for others I had tears in my eyes.  I marvelled at the way God used me.  I also was able to remember some of the missing pieces that I was not able to mention - the happenings at school that I could not reveal, the despair that I felt in my last year, my frustrations with the education that I was offering and that my students were receiving.  There was so much that had to go unmentioned, and as I read, it all came back to me.

I do keep in touch with some of my students and acquaintances in Trout.  I can thank Facebook for the medium that allows me to spy.  According to their status updates, things are happening in Trout.  Many of the students I taught are planning on going on to post secondary education opportunities.  One is planning on getting his Power engineering.  Other former students/ graduates are working.  

Also according to their status updates, God is moving in Trout.  It seems like a few have turned to Christ to gain meaning and hope for their lives.  I am filled with joy at this and pray that they will truly find freedom in Christ.

I did go to Trout in June for grad.  It was the last batch of students what I was heavily involved with.  When I left Trout, I felt that my fellow high school team and I had paved the road for three subsequent graduations - totalling 4 (or 5?) grads in a row.  The year after I left, some people did graduate but no one was willing to plan the ceremony and festivities.  The next year, they did have a celebration but it was on a Thursday, which meant that I could not go.  This year, they had a Saturday celebration, so I took the long, lonely road to Trout to celebrate with my last class and honour their achievements.  It was good to see people grown up, mature, happy, changed - and yet so much was still the same.

Trout has also amalgamated with his neighbour community to form a new First Nation.  It does seem like there is a lot of excitement (And growing pains) with this change.  I hope that it will provide new opportunities and hope for the people who live there.

So I feel like things are happening in my former place of residence and I hope that I provided a small spark that helped illuminate the flames of hope that are starting to flicker in the darkness.  I know that it will be a long journey to wholeness (do any of us ever reach that state here on earth?).  I know that  there is still a lot of pain, drunkenness, hurt, abuse, despair and on and on and on in that place.  And I know that there will be ups and downs, darkness and light, that people will fail and that the town will have difficult moments, years etc.  But it is good to see some hope and my prayer is that hope will foster hope and resilience - that after moments of failure, individuals and the community as a whole will have the strength and desire to pick up and start again.  My prayer is also that the community will find and lean on the True Source of Hope as they continue on their journey.

Reading my entries made me wonder again what God has for me here and what God has for me next.

The murkiness of having to many Shades Of Grey

Disclaimer:  No I have not read the book and No I do not plan on reading the book.  Plus this post may not be appropriate for children.  And I am sorry for the LONG ramblings.  I have not quite resolved the issues yet.  Still have the questions.  That results in long posts.

I am sure that you have heard of it by now.  The summer reading sensation entitled "50 Shades of Grey".  I first heard about the over-hyped phenom in Macleans - an article that discussed the issue of this book and a young adult book called Between Shades of Grey coming out at about the same time.  If you need a book to read, I recommend the later, as it exposes the cruelty of Stalin and his Siberian exiles.  It has also been nominated for the Carnegie medal for juvenile fiction.  I have not read it yet but it is on my list of to read books.

But I digress.  My next big reading foray into the 50 Shades Hype was through one of my new favourite websites maintained by Relevant Magazine.  First I read this article entitled "When Sex Goes Grey: How 'Fifty Shades of Grey' is turning the clock back on a Humanitarian Crisis".   I agreed with most of what the author said about how the glorification of BDSM dulls our conscience against violence against women and domestic abuse.   I am a comment reader and what got to me were some of the comments written by others who had read this article and who are followers of Christ.  I am going to edit the ones I post so that they are not too graphic and my response is in italics.

"Not that I completely disagree with you, but to really know what you're talking about, you should read all 3 books. Ana fights back & doesn't allow herself to be abused."
    So we want to promote the idea that we should put up with violence in the hope of changing our partner?    

"Genuine power dynamics in a sexual relationship and sexual violence have nothing to do with each other. A man acting in a dominant role to a woman's submission has nothing whatsoever to do with domestic violence. Real kink is not violence. . . 

If you want to pull "Fifty Shades" you have to pull every romance novel ever written -- almost all of which present a far more genuinely chauvinist view of female sexuality. "

Pulling every romance book off the shelf - probably not a bad idea.

"What two consenting adults do in the privacy of their own relationship and in their own bedroom is their business. The keyword here is "consenting". " 
So everything is permissible as long as both parties consent?  I have had questions about this for years and years actually.  As a Christian, what is sexually acceptable after marriage?  Since I am not married, I have not had to find the answers yet but I have wondered.

"Though it is not the work of a literary genius, it does display how a woman can confidently take control of her sexuality without shame. .. So often women are marginalized for expressing their eroticism while men are celebrated. Women, in both Christian and secular communities are taught to be ashamed of their sexuality and ..." Anastasia's character demonstrates how a woman can express herself in a non-mainstream, sexual way and still maintain her femininity. How many women are afraid and ashamed of the desires that are inside of them; why must they feel that there is something wrong with them?

I kind of agree with what is being said here.  As a single Christian women, I feel that sometimes I have buried my sexuality as I am afraid of it.  But do I need to turn to secular stories to reclaim it?  How can  I reclaim it in a Scriptural manner?

So I spent a few days contemplating these questions.  Christ transforms us and as our sexuality is part of who we are, he must transform that as well.  So how does Christian sex and sexuality look different before, during and after marriage?  I know that before marriage we are supposed to abstain and remain pure, but then what?

Then Relevant had another article asking "Is There Room For Erotica in Christianity?"  It discusses how erotica often addresses a need in our lives - maybe to fan the embers of sexual desire within a marriage or to promote sexual conversations.  Then they ask the questions that had been burning in the back of my mind: "But since when does what a person uses to meet a need necessarily equate to what a person actually needs?"  The article discusses how the church at large has dropped the ball on teaching about sex and how Christian sex is different than the world's version.  Even for myself, it wasn't a Christian comment that spurred me to think about what Christ's desires in my sexuality, but rather a popular secular novel that I will not read.  I am afraid that without proper teaching,  'Saving sex for marriage' [will become] 'waiting until marriage to objectify my partner.'

I was relieved that I was not the only one asking these questions about how Christ's sacrifice redeems sex (back to what it was meant to be) and how Christian sex is different than worldly sex (other than remaining pure before marriage).  And yet the article did not answer all of my queries and wonderings.  So I feel like I have started on a journey of questioning and discovery.  And I have invited my friends to come along with me.  Yes some of the same friends mentioned in my previous post.  In fact one of them has practically emptied her church library of all books pertaining to sex.  So as step one of my journey I have resurrected a book club tradition among friends and recommended that we read "Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity" by Lauren F. Winner.  Use the link; don't google it.  You may get results that you are not so happy with.

With porn in the mainstream, I think that it is time for Christians to reclaim true sex, true marriage, true sexuality.  For in Christ is where truth ultimately lies.

Blessed With Friends Like These

I spent the weekend at The Girl's Annual Gull Lake Campout.  I and 8 of my single gal friends got together to catch up, continue inside jokes and start inside jokes.  I could list some of those jokes here but "Hot Bush Pie Maker" would not be hilarious except for those in the know.  After the campout, another friend of mine from a different circle and different time in my life, drove an hour and a bit to bring her family and others to come and see me.  Once again, I got home and felt so homesick for people who truly know me - my past, sense of humour, passions etc.   I love my friends and family because:

- we can joke and laugh together about the dumbest things.  Oh my sore abs.
- we can discuss deep topics such as dissatisfaction, unrequited love, hopes and dreams.
- we want the best for each other.  I spent part of my car ride praying for the best for each of you.
- we share a common faith and common perspective on life within that faith or at least share common experiences
- I can be extrovert-like with them around

So when I was feeling at my most low, I heard this song that I would like to dedicate to my friends.  Thanks "Band of The Day" for introducing me to this song.

So while I was unpacking, I discovered a token of the friendship, hiding in the backseat of my car, underneath the oodles of messy camping gear.  I knee deep down inside that  I would end up with it, and decided to display it prominently in my house as a reminder that I am loved and known.

Looks pretty good sitting there doesn't it?  The picture unfortunately does not do the ugliness of the eagle head justice.  So which one of my friends would like to invite me over for a visit?

The Paths of Discontentment

Now is the winter of our discontent
Made glorious summer . . .;
And all the clouds that low'r'd upon our house
In the deep bosom of the ocean buried.

Richard The Third Act 1, scene 1, 1–4

Lately I have been feeling discontented.  I have wondered to myself, "Is this all there is to life?  Work, play, giving a little?"  I have been longing for change of pace, change of scenery, change of single status.  I believe that this discontentment is from God because as I am asking questions, He too is asking things of me, "Is this all there is to your life?  Work, play, giving a little?  Are you using the gifts I have given you?  Are you living out your calling?  Are you longing for me?"

Today I realized that my discontentment can lead two ways.  Yesterday, I was at a wedding with a dance and alcohol.  I nominated myself as designated driver and had the privilege of observing the comaderie that alcohol created, the flirtations and "freedom" that resulted.  Frankly I felt lonely in my sobriety and jealous of the friendships/flirtations of others.  I wanted to partake of the lifestyle.  I felt discontented with who I was.  This morning I realized that the discontentment that I have been feeling could result in me longing for worldly things - things that don't last.  

So today I heard God saying, "Yes this discontentment comes from me because I want you to pursue me and heavenly things.  What are you pursuing right now - more education?  more love? relationships with others? more ways to have an impact?  None of these are bad things but I want you to pursue me.  I will relieve your discontentment.  I will fulfill these other things as well.  But pursue me."

So I am at a crossroads, a daily crossroads.  In my discontent what will I pursue?  What will I use to fill the emptiness?  Whose strength will I rely on?  Whose plan will I follow?

I am BACK

It's been over two years and today I just felt like writing - a way of expressing my joy and my journey.  I am not sure how often I will write but I do feel like I have a burning today, for the past few days actually and it is time to give into it.

So what prompted this burning?  I just had a birthday and as my birthday approached, I started to have a bit of a pity party.  "I am alone, far from my family, all my friends are busy and can't celebrate with me.  No one is going to surprise me with cake and a dinner out.  This is going to be a horrible birthday without anything of significance happening.  Wa wa wa."

To get out of my doldrums I asked myself, "Child what can you do to make this birthday a significant one for you and others?  Instead of looking to be blessed, how can you be the blessing?"  The questioned rolled into the corners of my mind as I contemplated possibilities of giving money to a charity as a birthday gift to myself.  But what charity?  How much money?  How can I make this even more significant?

The morning of my special day, I woke up to multiple notifications on my phone telling me of all my friends that had already wished me blessings on my day.  My doldrums and self pity disappeared as I remembered, I AM BLESSED!!!  I have a multitude of family, friends and acquaintances who love me.  I have a great job that pays well and satisfies my longing to help.  I AM BLESSED and need to pass that blessing on.

So I made a pledge on facebook that I would donate $5 dollars for every person who sent a  birthday greeting via any technology to a cause that is close to my heart - clean water.  I used charitywater to facilitate my giving and used Facebook (and my birthday) as a platform to raise awareness about water issues and the joys of giving.  In 3 days, I have almost reached my goal.

I did have misgivings about announcing my giving on Facebook.  You know the whole, "Do not let your right hand know what the left is doing" thing.  But I pray that instead of glorifying myself and unselfishness, I inspire others to see the possible ways that they can give back and that a community of givers is established.

In the end, my birthday was a GREAT day.  I had coffee with a friend in the morning (I brought the coffee and some garden strawberries I stole from a friend - another way of blessing others), and my room mate cooked me supper in the evening.  No I wasn't surprised with cake but I was surprised with some apple fritter donuts which is just as good.  More importantly, I made a small change in the world and possibly started a new birthday tradition.

Identity

For such a long time I have been the girl who taught in Trout. Every time I mentioned my job, people would extoll some virtue that I had to have that would make it possible for me to survive in a town of 400, 2.5 hours away from a grocery store, dealing with students who swore at me, told me to go home, hated and yet loved me, dealing with disfunction and heartbreak at every turn.

Now I am a regular teacher of Grade 6 in a regular school. I feel like my identity, my difference is gone. Instead of one in a million, I am one of a million - or maybe a hundred thousand - I will give myself a little credit. I no longer know where I fit in. My skills and abilities seem ordinary rather than life saving and school saving.

I don't miss the constant heart ache. In a sense my heart has not healed yet. But I do miss the knowledge that everyday I was making a difference in lives that needed me desperately. Now I feel that anyone could take my place.

Who ever thought that at this age, I would still be trying to figure out what I want from life and who I am?

And the winner is . . .

. . . not that it was really a contest. I have been trying to get back on track all year but with sunshine in the mornings comes new energy. So the winner for my goal is to revive my devotions in the morning. I am not promising to do them everyday but my goal is to get through Isaiah by the end of the school year and journal prayers as I read. After two weeks, it is going well. I think that I read Chapter 9 tomorrow. I love Isaiah. The words of hope sprinkled through a scenery of despair. I find it uplifting to remember that in the midst of darkness a light has come. Plus so much of Isaiah is used in Handel's Messiah that sometimes I break out into song. This morning it was, "For unto us a child is born. Unto us - a son is given - unto us - a son is given."

After April Fools this year, I started to realize the benefits of having April as the start of a new year. The sun is reborn and shines the majority of the day now. The grass is slowly turning green. I have even seen two little tiny tulips in our flower garden (I hope they did not get killed by last weekends snowfall). I also am starting to feel reborn a bit.

With this new goal and sunshine, other goals are being met as well. I am getting up earlier and having my coffee and breakfast in a relaxed manner with my Bible open. I have more time in the mornings so I go to school happier. I go to sleep a little earlier and thus have more energy in the afternoon. Yes this is due to the fact that the sun isn't about to set at 4 as well. Now if I could just get over this darn headcold . . .

Goals

I am not known for spending money on myself but after a visit with the family including a visit to the local jewellery store, I thought it might be OK to buy myself some jewellery and other things - since no one else is buying it for me :). But I decided that in order to buy something, I need to set and meet a goal. At first I could not think of any goals, being practically perfect in everyway (hahahah), but then a whole host of goal ideas presented themselves to me (humbling me by making me address my imperfections) and I am having difficulty deciding the best goal. I am not a goal setter but rather a more go with the flow type of person. Setting goals is setting myself up for failure. I avoid it when at all possible. Definitely new territory for me.

Here is a possible long list of goals.

1. Lose 10 pounds - seems like such a normal goal - bland.
2. Exercise 4 times a week for the next 3 months.
3. Make a doctor's appointment and get that checkup.
4. Stop with the constant use of the snooze button
5. Reignite my devotional and prayer life - be sure that I do them at least 5 times a week.
6. Limit my use of internet - biweekly fixes of Facebook and e-mail
7. Limit my consumption of TV - one show a day max.
8. Learn something new - knit, crochet ? ? ?
9. Revise my resume and contemplate the future.

Any suggestions?

On the edges of town

This year I have joined the community choir. I and about 20 other people get together once a week to sing. I am one of the youngest singers. Sometimes I feel like I am part of the Young at Heart choir. Very entertaining documentary. But I digress.

Currently we are preparing for our spring concert. We are doing a war theme with songs from World War 1, WW2 and the 60s and other war type songs. As part of the sping concert, various group members do small group performances.

I was asked to join a trio with two grandmas. We are going to be the Andrews sisters and sing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (with anyone else but me) while dressed in grass skirts and other Hawaian paraphanalia. Apparently the Andrews sisters performed at Pearl Harbour. I did not come up with the concept. But I am digressing again.

Wednesday was our first rehearsal. I recieved directions to one of the grandma's houses on the outskirts of town. I thought that I had a vaque idea where this place was - but it turns out that I had no idea at all.

1. First I am from the Prairies. If someone lives by the lake - there is only one lake to choose from with only one community on it. Here, there are multiple lakes with multiple communities - Vezazaue Beach, Pelican Narrows, Bville Beach and others. I swear that I hit them all.

2. Second, I swore that she told me to turn after the big flag and the tourist information booth but apparently she told me to turn after the golf course. Regardless, Bville Beach road is not labelled and as it turns out I was on the wrong road in the first place.

3. I am a city girl that does not do well with country road directions. Telling me to veer right at the green sign with white writing before the road turns to go into Bville Beach doesn't really work for me. Especially when I am not sure where Bville Beach is and when most signs are green with white writing.

4. The cell phone is not very helpful on the edge of town when, as you are trying to finding out where you are and where you should be going, it loses reception completely.

5. I hadn't filled up on gas before leaving town (it was supposed to be a quick trip) and my gas tank was slowly approaching empty.

After 45 minutes, I did find the house. I think that it was the longest record for finding that house. Even though I didn't feel much like singing afterwards, practice did go well.

I am pleased to report that it only took me 10 minutes to get home :(.

Me the athlete

Comments from strangers have been encouraging me to keep up my blogging so hear goes. . . an exploration of trying new things.

This fall I took up volleyball. Now you must understand that I am super unathletic. I played volleyball until I reached Grade 8 in a small school where everyone made the team and I still spent a significant time on the bench. I blame my slow reflexes on learning volleyball using a balloon and the back of our coach as the net. My family would say that I was pretty quick at swatting that balloon away from the book that I was reading. They are right. I was really more part of the net then a participant of the game.

However, since I am in a new place, I took up volleyball after meeting the team leader at a community booth during the fall sign up for sports and other things. My team was a great team. They did not get frustrated at my inability to set, block or spike. I can bump and underhand serve. That was the extent of my skills.

This weekend, we had our closing tournament. On Saturday, we played 7 different volleyball matches. It was tiring and yet so satisfying. I could see my improvement of skills. Once I jumped up to block a spike and even got a piece of the ball. The team sometimes even sets to me so that I can hit over the net. They place me in their line up because I have good sets for one of our major hitters. Me?!?!

So I have been inspired to continue trying new things -maybe even athletic things. Let's see I could try serving overhand, throwing a ball (my dad would appreciate it if I threw like a girl instead of like a baby) or swinging a golf club without inducing laughter from spectators at seeing the little white ball land less than a foot away. Yes it is possible to suck that badly.

What comes next? That is something that I too would like to know.

New Years Res

Ok so last year my New Years resolution was for change and relearning how to smile with my eyes. Done and done. I am smeyezing (Top Model speak for smiling with your eyes), although their is still a shadow of grief behind the emerging crowsfeet. Although I have left Trout Lake, I still think of my friends there often and remember bits of the heartbreak that I saw. Sometimes the pieces of the continual heartbreak still reach me here.

So what does this year have in store? Do I have new resolutions? Well yes. I resolve to live life fully - to not say No to something unless it is a conflict of time, immoral or illegal. Ok I will still say No because I don't want to be a door mat but I won't let fear or other insecurities hold me back.

This really is a continuation of some of the things I have been doing since September but I am going to be even MORE intentional about it.

So this week . . .

• i went to bible study to play games and watch Canada lose at the World Juniors :( even though I felt insecure about walking up to a house alone and not knowing the owners. I knew my Bible study folks inside but still was unsure about going.
• i went to listen to the leader of the Wild Rose Alliance with my roomie and heard what she had to say about the political state of Alberta. Like all politicians she didn''t really say much of anything. But then again, I would really like to hear provincial politicians say the following, "We will throw an infinite amount of money at education so that all classes can be just over 20 kids each and you, yes you, the girl writing this blog, are guaranteed a contract next year and if you ever have trouble finding a job come talk to me personally and I will make sure that I find a position that is suitable for you."

Yep that person would have my vote for sure. But since the Wildrose Alliance is all libertanian and small government, I don't think that I am going to hear that from them.