Choices

I never realized how difficult moving to a new town could be. I am finding it very difficult right now to choose a church to attend on a regular basis. Maybe this is because choosing a church is an unnatural task. It means I am choosing one group of believers over another, one style over another, when maybe they should be blended rather than seperated.

One church that interests me is more spirit led. They love prayer. It is very multicultural. Services are very free flowing with laughter, a coffee break between singing and preaching, people standing up to tell what is on their hearts. Today the service was 2.5 hours long. A little out of my comfort zone by appreciate their enthusiasm and love for the community and for each other. It has many things going for it.

Yet it is a little out of my element. The preaching isn't as solid as I would like it to be. There are no small groups. Another church in the community offers that possibility.

How great it would be if these churches were combined? It would definitely cause some discomfort on both sides but also great love. THe Baptist church could use a little bit more spirit infusion. The Community church could use a little bit more solidity in the teaching.

Choosing between the two feels like an act against the body of Christ.

Gone but will not forget

Trout Lake is finished or at least on hiatus for now. The stress though is not gone. It is sitting at the back of my neck treatening a headache. The mixed feelings are not gone either. There is excitement that I am having a new start, new life. Yet I am full of sorrow and worry about those that I left behind. Will M be able to battle his depression and resist the temptation of suicide without me? Will T make it to Katimavik? He is so excited to be accepted to Canada's volunteer program for next year but leaving Trout is always a scary proposition. Will C grow closer to God or will alcohol and other stresses continue to pull her away from the one who adores her? Then there are all the others that I am going to miss. I have not escaped the heart ache but rather have taken it with me.

The morning that I left Trout Lake, I found out that one of my students - a grade 9 student - stabbed someone from the neighbouring town and that that person died. He is now charged with second degree murder. So much pain summed up in a short news article. What the article doesn't tell you is that this is the second homicide in a year. That since December, there has been 6 funerals between Trout and Peerless. Two of those elders were brothers and passed away with in weeks of each other. This first stabbing (by another youth) started this death trend. The article doesn't tell you that the young man involved has been crying out for help all year and that I was helpless in helping him, that he considers himself "the man" of the family and feels that he needs to protect his mom and siblings, that the first stabbing was committed by a relative that he idolized, that he recieved no support to deal with the first incident, that he is very smart but has been in and out of school all year. The community has not had time to heal and so the scars get thicker and thicker.

I am still stressed and worried so I commit these people into the hands of Christ who loves them and suffers with them. The tears at the back of my eyes do not help the ever looming headache.

I wanted change but . . .

. . . this just seems like the same old same old. Once again I am principal until the end of the year. Long story. I am unsure of all the details myself. This is pretty much the third year in a row where I have had to do a prolonged principalship.

Stress levels are ever increasing with a direct relationship to fatigue, illness and zits.

The change

So my New Year's resolutions were to be grateful and to look forward to change. Or something like that. So now is time to announce the big change. It won't be a shock to many of you.

I am moving. Next year I will not be teaching in Trout Lake. I am going to be teaching Bonneyville - a "regular school". A middle school with 3 classes at each grade. I am going to be teaching Grade 5 or 6 instead of Junior or Senior High. I am going to have one class at a time and students who attend school on a regular basis. I am going to have a church to go to and a grocery store in the same town. Change is good.

But change is stressful. I have SO much to do before I leave Trout Lake. I need to find a place to live. I need to pack and clean my house. I need to finish all of this years paperwork and stuff. AHH!!!! The stress has made me very sick this week.

By the way, I am still waiting anxiously for green on our trees. Spring is taking for ever to turn into summer.

At long last

It has been awhile. I have been avoiding the world for addressing the world means to make decisions that I would rather put off and facing the God who created the world. But alas decisions must be made and God must be faced. Why am I so scared to face the one whose presence I can boldly enter?

Anyways, I am awaiting the arrival of spring and summer. Yes I know that it is May and spring should be here but it is snowing today. A day for soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. Good thing I am not camping.

I have been keeping busy. I spend a lot of time at school on the computer (like now) and a lot of time in front of the TV. I think that I should get rid of that thing. I have been spending a lot of time comtemplating the future: applying for jobs, wondering where I will be, questioning my motives and decisions, wondering how much it will hurt to leave.

This morning though I was reminded that God will never leave me. Even if I make the "wrong" decision, God will still be with me. WHy do I forget that? I mean it is only mentioned in the Bible about 1000 times. Why do I think that I have to continually try to please God?

Banned

Jennifer is upset because Division office decided to block Facebook at school. Jennifer is wondering how she is ever going to see pictures of nieces, nephews, friends etc. without facebook. Jennifer is especially wanting to see the picture of her new nephew, born early this morning. Jennifer is even contemplating trying Facebook on dial up - she is that desperate. Jennifer is tired of the actions of one or two affecting the lives of others. Jennifer thinks it is because some teacher some place had some incriminating pictures posted by some students suring some field trip but is really unsure of the whole situation. Jennifer hopes division office realizes that students do have access to Facebook elsewhere and that banning it at school will not stop this from happening again. Jennifer feels better now because she got all of her Facebook updates out of her system.

Return from the roller coaster

I obviously have not updated for awhile. I couldn't tear my fingers off of the sides of my roller coaster life long enough to type. I was holding on, trying to hold in the screams. I am at a flatter section right now. Time to inhale, exhale and loosen my grip (or maybe get a grip). I know that I was looking for change in my new years wishes but this in not the change that I was looking for. Maybe something more permanant and less up, down, twisty turvy, upside down.

But lets continue on the path of gratitude because I do have much to be grateful for. For a few weeks, I needed to surround myself with people that believed in me and that loved me. It was such a privelege to be in the middle of the flood of support that came my way - phone calls, e-mails, facebook messages (is there a word for that yet), presents, time. In an effort to surround myself with support, I also discovered the joys of ROCK BAND. Oh yeah!!! So thank you all of those who love me. I love you too.

I also went on a bit of an Alberta ramble. I was presenting at a conference in Calgary and the amazing planners put it on a Monday and Tuesday. So I left the middle of nowhere on Friday and was able to spend many days in civilization. I rediscovered the joys of shopping and coffee shops and conversation with friends. Thanks cousin for letting me crash at your place.

I even wandered down to Lethbridge. Made it to church on Sunday morning to the delight of my nieces. Their delight, delights me. Sunday brunch with the family delights me.

Then there was the conference in Calgary. First I was staying at the Hilton and then I was wined and dined by my employer and a publiching company. It was so nice to feel appreciated. I did feel a little out of my element. I thought someone had stolen my suitcase at the Hilton as I was arranging my valet parking. But no!! The staff had taken it up to my room for me. Well la ti da. I didn't have to shovel out my parking space before I parked.

Then was the Alberta room mate tour. Stayed with a Bible college friend and her family on Tueday night and on Wednesday night I visited my Bible college room mate and then my university room mate. It was so nice to reaquaint with long lost friends.

The ramble culminated with a three night stay in Edmonton with another friend for teacher's convention. Again I rediscovered shopping and movie theaters and restaurants.

So here is to friends spread near and far who are and will continue to be a part of my life. Thanks for all your love and support even when I ignore you for days, years, months, decades. Here is to God, who keeps us all together and gives us continual common ground and connection.

As for the rollercoaster. I am not sure if I am off it yet. The track is smooth for now. I am sure that there will be more ups and more downs to come.