Plus ca change

It was the first week back at school. Or was it. It didn't seem like it. I shouldn't complain though because the chaos of this week has been caused by the pain of others. As I mentioned in an earlier post, there was a death in the community prior to Christmas holidays. They had the funeral the first day after Christmas break.

When I returned to Trout, there was another funeral on the Saturday. An elder that passed away on Christmas eve. On Monday I returned to school and had very few students. The students that I did have were exhausted. Not surprising after Christmas holidays. Then they informed me that they were up all night at the wake. "The wake!!" I exclaimed, "The funeral already happened." But no, there was another death on New Years Eve as well. Both of these deaths were elders of the community but still the pain of three funerals in three weeks in a community of 400 . . . My heart aches.

So Monday was the wake. Tuesday was the funeral. Wednesday all of the students went home at 11:00 because of propane smells in the school. Thursday was a staff meeting (all the students left at 2:00). Friday was the typical half day. It feels like school hasn't really started.

So . . . in the effort of celebration . . .
I took down my Christmas decorations and saw that my house looked very barren. So I sorted through for stars and hearts and red and made a Valentine's display. Me celebrating Valentine's Day. Things are dire indeed. I normally wear black on that day.
I invited myself to another teachers for supper last night and then pulled out the Wii. Guitar Hero and Winter Sports equals a good time. It was good to laugh with fellow teachers and not talk about school at all.
It looks like I will be celebrating my next birthday in New York City. I find that VERY exciting.

Past and Future

It is that time of year again to reflect on the past and plan for the future. I don't know if it is my mood now but I don't really feel that this year was really spectacular in terms of excitement and new things learned. I feel like it has been rather ho-hum, same old same old. Regardless, here are some things that stand out:

1. Travelling to Regina with my cousin, Sara, to see Grandma. It was a very fun trip - about as fun as Regina can get.

2. Living with my sister and her family for the summer. Never a dull moment.

3. Travelling to Ottawa spur of the moment to attend my grand father's funeral. Bittersweet time. It was sweet to see family but sad to go on such an occasion.

4. Learning about wine in the Okagnagan Valley with former Trout Lake cronies. We camped, we played games and I lost at Trivial Pursuit again.

I want this year to stand out more than last year. I want it to be more exciting. So here are some random goals for the year.

1. Change. It is time to move on, to find a new direction, to take another step in the path of my life. God grant me wisdom.

2. To learn how to smile with my eyes again. I seem to have forgotten how.

3. Celebrate. Celebrate the small, the large, the joyous, the ordinary. Cultivate gratitude and contentment.

I am not sure if there is a way to measure these goals quantitatively but really the question will become:
1. Am I still in Trout Lake?
2. Can I smile both inside and out?

Event full

This weekend, Saturday to be precise, I spent the day in Red Earth and watched both our boys and girls team kick some butt. They both came in first place in the tournament. I was very proud of the way they played and their achievements. Hopefully the feeling of success will stay with them for awhile.

Sunday, I locked my keys in my house. Not good when it is -30. However, I had neighbours take care of me. One set of neighbours fed me. The other set came home fairly early and was able to give me the spare key. It was slightly frustrating to be locked out of house again, but it pales in comparison.

Sunday, I found out that there has been another murder in Trout. A teenage boy (a former student) was drunk and allegedly beat up an elderly gentleman in the community, while, again allegedly, one of my student's mothers watched. Then the young gentleman went around town yelling, "Old vs. the young. Old vs. the young.". He got picked up by a couple who lived close to him since it was very cold out. They took him to his house and asked him to get out of the car. He refused and allegedly beat up the driver of the vehicle who was in critical condition on Sunday.

My heart is heavy and weary of this pain. I was talking to a former student yesterday about the layers of pain that some people have in their life and how there is never enough time in between painful episodes to completely heal. I told her how I want to take away some of the apin but am unable too. Hopefully I can provide enough joy and success to battle the pain. Successes such as winning a volleyball tournament and learning how to sing a round for the Christmas concert. Joy such as knowing that they are loved and respected.

Pray for us.

This morning I woke up to a phone call at 6:30 in the morning. "Hey Light. You need to get up and turn on your oven. I think that we ran out of propane." Sure enough, my nose felt a little colder than normal. We had no heat or hot water in three of the teacher's houses. The school still had heat though. I was disappointed because I was really hoping for a cancellation of classes. I got to school to discover that my classroom did not have heat and the stoves in the kitchen were not working either. No lunch available? Then we will cancel school. So kids were dismissed at 11:00. (We feed all of our students a hot lunch here).

Also cancelled this week - our Christmas concert, our staff party and Christmas in general.

Darkness

It has been a dark weekend - snow and early sunsets. I have to keep on reminding myself that the winter solstice is almost upon us and that soon the days will get longer and lighter. I hope that my heavy heart becomes filled with light too. Right now it is filled with confusion, frustration, anger, bitterness. I feel like all of my hard work here is slowly unravelling into a mess and I feel helpless to stop it.

So I spent the dark weekend with friends. First, stimulating the economy in Slave Lake. Then spending the day crafting in a house with music and apple cider. Sometimes our conversations would sway into the dark bitterness that we feel. I am going to try to keep it light, try to see the positive. Hopefully the Christmas holidays will make things right again.

Christmas

Ths snow is coming down.
Christmas
I am watching it fall.

I am getting in the spirit of things. Decorated the house and have two Christmas presents almost made but have SOOO many more to go.

Really I should just get off the computer and go do festive activities.

Happenings

There is white stuff on the ground. It is perfect snow man making snow. So today I and a friend made a snowpeople family. It was fun to go outside in the warm winter weather and play. If onlyI had a river that I could skate away on. I am reading this to my friend as I type it. She says, "You have a river!! and a lake!!" However, I know that the river is not frozen and I am scared that the ice on the lake is not thinck enough. However, it is perfect skating weather.

Tonight one of my fellow teachers hosted a Schindler's List viewing for our junior and senior high students. I forgot how powerful that movie is. At the end, Schindler bemoans the fact that he did not save more people. "My car. Why did I keep my car? That is another 4 people. This ring, that is another 3 people. I wasted so much money." OK that is not a direct quote but you get the idea. I was very moved by that sentiment and wondered if there would ever be a day where I would bemoan the fact that I wasted my resources and squandered them away instead of using them for good. How many people would my closet of clothes feed? How many people would my car feed? How many people could I impact with the amount of time that I watch TV? My guilty conscience is getting after me.

So I am going to assauge it by watching TV. I wonder if "So you think you can dance Canada is still on?"

Driving in my car

I know that it is rather foolish but I went to Peace river again on Sunday to learn about relationships. It was very interesting to learn that the structure of our relationships and social institutions mirror and reflect the structure of the trinity. I found that it led me to worship God with awe and wonder.

But I digress.

So Sunday I drove 2.5 hours to Peace River and 2.5 hours back to Trout. Not so bad in itself. Yesterday though, I had to hop back into my car and drive to Peace River again for a math meeting and today I drove back. THat is 10 hours in total. I could be in Lethbridge by now. I wish I were in Lethbridge right now.

I need some hugs.