Sunday, May 09, 2010


For such a long time I have been the girl who taught in Trout. Every time I mentioned my job, people would extoll some virtue that I had to have that would make it possible for me to survive in a town of 400, 2.5 hours away from a grocery store, dealing with students who swore at me, told me to go home, hated and yet loved me, dealing with disfunction and heartbreak at every turn.

Now I am a regular teacher of Grade 6 in a regular school. I feel like my identity, my difference is gone. Instead of one in a million, I am one of a million - or maybe a hundred thousand - I will give myself a little credit. I no longer know where I fit in. My skills and abilities seem ordinary rather than life saving and school saving.

I don't miss the constant heart ache. In a sense my heart has not healed yet. But I do miss the knowledge that everyday I was making a difference in lives that needed me desperately. Now I feel that anyone could take my place.

Who ever thought that at this age, I would still be trying to figure out what I want from life and who I am?