For such a long time I have been the girl who taught in Trout. Every time I mentioned my job, people would extoll some virtue that I had to have that would make it possible for me to survive in a town of 400, 2.5 hours away from a grocery store, dealing with students who swore at me, told me to go home, hated and yet loved me, dealing with disfunction and heartbreak at every turn.
Now I am a regular teacher of Grade 6 in a regular school. I feel like my identity, my difference is gone. Instead of one in a million, I am one of a million - or maybe a hundred thousand - I will give myself a little credit. I no longer know where I fit in. My skills and abilities seem ordinary rather than life saving and school saving.
I don't miss the constant heart ache. In a sense my heart has not healed yet. But I do miss the knowledge that everyday I was making a difference in lives that needed me desperately. Now I feel that anyone could take my place.
Who ever thought that at this age, I would still be trying to figure out what I want from life and who I am?
1 comment:
I think you'll find that trying to figure out what you want and who you are is something that occurs throughout ones life. Or at least it should. Taking stock of where you are and what you want is healthy. It isn't always easy or fun. But honest reflection helps us find our way. At least I find it does for me.
-Annah-
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