Identity

For such a long time I have been the girl who taught in Trout. Every time I mentioned my job, people would extoll some virtue that I had to have that would make it possible for me to survive in a town of 400, 2.5 hours away from a grocery store, dealing with students who swore at me, told me to go home, hated and yet loved me, dealing with disfunction and heartbreak at every turn.

Now I am a regular teacher of Grade 6 in a regular school. I feel like my identity, my difference is gone. Instead of one in a million, I am one of a million - or maybe a hundred thousand - I will give myself a little credit. I no longer know where I fit in. My skills and abilities seem ordinary rather than life saving and school saving.

I don't miss the constant heart ache. In a sense my heart has not healed yet. But I do miss the knowledge that everyday I was making a difference in lives that needed me desperately. Now I feel that anyone could take my place.

Who ever thought that at this age, I would still be trying to figure out what I want from life and who I am?

And the winner is . . .

. . . not that it was really a contest. I have been trying to get back on track all year but with sunshine in the mornings comes new energy. So the winner for my goal is to revive my devotions in the morning. I am not promising to do them everyday but my goal is to get through Isaiah by the end of the school year and journal prayers as I read. After two weeks, it is going well. I think that I read Chapter 9 tomorrow. I love Isaiah. The words of hope sprinkled through a scenery of despair. I find it uplifting to remember that in the midst of darkness a light has come. Plus so much of Isaiah is used in Handel's Messiah that sometimes I break out into song. This morning it was, "For unto us a child is born. Unto us - a son is given - unto us - a son is given."

After April Fools this year, I started to realize the benefits of having April as the start of a new year. The sun is reborn and shines the majority of the day now. The grass is slowly turning green. I have even seen two little tiny tulips in our flower garden (I hope they did not get killed by last weekends snowfall). I also am starting to feel reborn a bit.

With this new goal and sunshine, other goals are being met as well. I am getting up earlier and having my coffee and breakfast in a relaxed manner with my Bible open. I have more time in the mornings so I go to school happier. I go to sleep a little earlier and thus have more energy in the afternoon. Yes this is due to the fact that the sun isn't about to set at 4 as well. Now if I could just get over this darn headcold . . .

Goals

I am not known for spending money on myself but after a visit with the family including a visit to the local jewellery store, I thought it might be OK to buy myself some jewellery and other things - since no one else is buying it for me :). But I decided that in order to buy something, I need to set and meet a goal. At first I could not think of any goals, being practically perfect in everyway (hahahah), but then a whole host of goal ideas presented themselves to me (humbling me by making me address my imperfections) and I am having difficulty deciding the best goal. I am not a goal setter but rather a more go with the flow type of person. Setting goals is setting myself up for failure. I avoid it when at all possible. Definitely new territory for me.

Here is a possible long list of goals.

1. Lose 10 pounds - seems like such a normal goal - bland.
2. Exercise 4 times a week for the next 3 months.
3. Make a doctor's appointment and get that checkup.
4. Stop with the constant use of the snooze button
5. Reignite my devotional and prayer life - be sure that I do them at least 5 times a week.
6. Limit my use of internet - biweekly fixes of Facebook and e-mail
7. Limit my consumption of TV - one show a day max.
8. Learn something new - knit, crochet ? ? ?
9. Revise my resume and contemplate the future.

Any suggestions?

On the edges of town

This year I have joined the community choir. I and about 20 other people get together once a week to sing. I am one of the youngest singers. Sometimes I feel like I am part of the Young at Heart choir. Very entertaining documentary. But I digress.

Currently we are preparing for our spring concert. We are doing a war theme with songs from World War 1, WW2 and the 60s and other war type songs. As part of the sping concert, various group members do small group performances.

I was asked to join a trio with two grandmas. We are going to be the Andrews sisters and sing "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree (with anyone else but me) while dressed in grass skirts and other Hawaian paraphanalia. Apparently the Andrews sisters performed at Pearl Harbour. I did not come up with the concept. But I am digressing again.

Wednesday was our first rehearsal. I recieved directions to one of the grandma's houses on the outskirts of town. I thought that I had a vaque idea where this place was - but it turns out that I had no idea at all.

1. First I am from the Prairies. If someone lives by the lake - there is only one lake to choose from with only one community on it. Here, there are multiple lakes with multiple communities - Vezazaue Beach, Pelican Narrows, Bville Beach and others. I swear that I hit them all.

2. Second, I swore that she told me to turn after the big flag and the tourist information booth but apparently she told me to turn after the golf course. Regardless, Bville Beach road is not labelled and as it turns out I was on the wrong road in the first place.

3. I am a city girl that does not do well with country road directions. Telling me to veer right at the green sign with white writing before the road turns to go into Bville Beach doesn't really work for me. Especially when I am not sure where Bville Beach is and when most signs are green with white writing.

4. The cell phone is not very helpful on the edge of town when, as you are trying to finding out where you are and where you should be going, it loses reception completely.

5. I hadn't filled up on gas before leaving town (it was supposed to be a quick trip) and my gas tank was slowly approaching empty.

After 45 minutes, I did find the house. I think that it was the longest record for finding that house. Even though I didn't feel much like singing afterwards, practice did go well.

I am pleased to report that it only took me 10 minutes to get home :(.

Me the athlete

Comments from strangers have been encouraging me to keep up my blogging so hear goes. . . an exploration of trying new things.

This fall I took up volleyball. Now you must understand that I am super unathletic. I played volleyball until I reached Grade 8 in a small school where everyone made the team and I still spent a significant time on the bench. I blame my slow reflexes on learning volleyball using a balloon and the back of our coach as the net. My family would say that I was pretty quick at swatting that balloon away from the book that I was reading. They are right. I was really more part of the net then a participant of the game.

However, since I am in a new place, I took up volleyball after meeting the team leader at a community booth during the fall sign up for sports and other things. My team was a great team. They did not get frustrated at my inability to set, block or spike. I can bump and underhand serve. That was the extent of my skills.

This weekend, we had our closing tournament. On Saturday, we played 7 different volleyball matches. It was tiring and yet so satisfying. I could see my improvement of skills. Once I jumped up to block a spike and even got a piece of the ball. The team sometimes even sets to me so that I can hit over the net. They place me in their line up because I have good sets for one of our major hitters. Me?!?!

So I have been inspired to continue trying new things -maybe even athletic things. Let's see I could try serving overhand, throwing a ball (my dad would appreciate it if I threw like a girl instead of like a baby) or swinging a golf club without inducing laughter from spectators at seeing the little white ball land less than a foot away. Yes it is possible to suck that badly.

What comes next? That is something that I too would like to know.

New Years Res

Ok so last year my New Years resolution was for change and relearning how to smile with my eyes. Done and done. I am smeyezing (Top Model speak for smiling with your eyes), although their is still a shadow of grief behind the emerging crowsfeet. Although I have left Trout Lake, I still think of my friends there often and remember bits of the heartbreak that I saw. Sometimes the pieces of the continual heartbreak still reach me here.

So what does this year have in store? Do I have new resolutions? Well yes. I resolve to live life fully - to not say No to something unless it is a conflict of time, immoral or illegal. Ok I will still say No because I don't want to be a door mat but I won't let fear or other insecurities hold me back.

This really is a continuation of some of the things I have been doing since September but I am going to be even MORE intentional about it.

So this week . . .

• i went to bible study to play games and watch Canada lose at the World Juniors :( even though I felt insecure about walking up to a house alone and not knowing the owners. I knew my Bible study folks inside but still was unsure about going.
• i went to listen to the leader of the Wild Rose Alliance with my roomie and heard what she had to say about the political state of Alberta. Like all politicians she didn''t really say much of anything. But then again, I would really like to hear provincial politicians say the following, "We will throw an infinite amount of money at education so that all classes can be just over 20 kids each and you, yes you, the girl writing this blog, are guaranteed a contract next year and if you ever have trouble finding a job come talk to me personally and I will make sure that I find a position that is suitable for you."

Yep that person would have my vote for sure. But since the Wildrose Alliance is all libertanian and small government, I don't think that I am going to hear that from them.